July 15, 2008

Second life

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth

I asked and she said yes: almost immediately, the space between the question and the answer barely there. Long enough only for the fact of the question to be understood, for its meaning to register. Yes almost immediately: and therefore, almost without fear.

I had been afraid that she might say "are you serious?". I had been afraid of that when I first planned to ask - and having stepped back from doing so, and having, as it turned out, asked spontaneously and unplanned, I had forgotten to anticipate that answer. I forgot to be forewarned, to restrain my inclination to make a stupid, smart reply, that would have spoiled it, that would have made it cheaper. That path, at least, was never taken. Nothing was ruined. Just the perfect simplicity of yes.

That was eleven days ago, or nearly twelve: time passes, time passes, while you think about what you want to say and what the words would mean. But a simplicity is always the same however it is expressed: it explains itself, no matter how you may try to explain it.

Time passes. One uncompleted night eight years ago I closed my eyes and let the light go out: I fell, and kept on falling. A falling without movement, a falling which only came to rest eleven days later, as they allowed me to open my eyes and separate my way, slowly and confusedly, from the morphine and the hallucinations through which I had been living since my eyes were closed. It took days for me to be able to separate reality, outside my head, from the hallucinations that remained within: it took a long time for me to be able to understand where I was and who I was, and then to grasp hold of my memory, to let it settle back in order and tell me why.

Grasp hold, hold fast, cling on. Since I returned I have been clinging on, much of the time. Much of the time exhausted, without having done very much. When I am up in the Pyrenees I sometimes see a tree, stranded, high up on the mountainside. Sometimes in a convoluted shape, sometimes at a painful angle to the ground, all its energy consumed in the struggle not to fall, the tree itself partly consumed by its own efforts. They struggle, and consume themselves. But even on the mountainside, they still cling on.

I was up in the mountains eleven days, twelve days ago. And now I am returned once more: and I came back with this knowledge, as simple as a yes, as simple in expression but as hard to get to. An instant waited for, the knowledge earned: that if you cling on, if you cling on and cling on and still you do not fall, then - in the end - if you have struggled long enough, you get your second chance.


At July 17, 2008 12:01 am, Blogger Sean said...

It must have been a link on Urban75 that led me here about three years ago. Since then, I've probably read every single post you've made on here and occasionally return there to see if you've made an appearance. For nobody else would I bother with that place.

Once in a while I'll see the initials ejh under a blog comment and immediately know that it'll be worth the reading. As far as one can, I've built something of a picture of you and even if you've never explicitly explained the nature of your past problems, it is plain to see you were desperately unhappy.

I don't think you've ever adumbrated how you came to be in Spain or how you both met and frankly it's none of my business anyway, but for what it's worth, even though you'd probably baulk at the insincerity of it, I'm happy for you and I wish you both all the best.

Although I do hope this doesn't presage another hiatus from this place.


At July 21, 2008 3:06 pm, Blogger Tom Chivers said...

Heh. Congratulations.

At September 30, 2008 9:21 pm, Anonymous WorldbyStorm said...


At February 25, 2009 5:57 am, Blogger Dr Zen said...

I hope you are happy now. I sometimes see you around the web, so I suppose I feel a kinship that is not merited.


At November 10, 2011 9:14 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Absolutely gorgeous:)


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