Honesty box

We are considering moving to a larger place - almost anywhere would qualify - and in pursuit of this objective, we spent a few minutes, over the weekend, looking at the small ads in Diario del AltoAragón. But we were distracted from consideration of the accomodation to let by the discovery of a column headed Relax. Which, somewhat to our surprise, turned out to be where the prostitutes of Huesca are allowed to advertise.

No old-fashioned box numbers: the invention of the mobile phone has rendered that unnecessary, though two of the ads even carry fixed-line numbers, prefaced 974 as are all the fixed-line numbers in Huesca. One assumes these two numbers are for brothels: one is a box ad, for an establishment called Jaca Relax, which depicts a woman wearing suspenders and makes mention of Señoritas de Gran Nivel, while the other features servicio de bar and offer to connect you con señoras particulares.

Or you may prefer to contact the ladies direct, using the aforementioned mobiles. One hopes though that communication will not be a problem, because although the ads are written in perfect Spanish, many of the advertisers are brasileñas, or have Russian names, and are apparently new in town, por primera vez en Huesca. Their knowledge may however be less provincial than the town where they have arrived. One unnamed madurita, for instance, offers Francés completo, while others mention masajes, vibradores, a cuerpo caliente or make the attractive promise: realizo todas tus fantasías.

There is competition for the attention of chest fetishists: Natasha's 110 pecho is no match for Daniela (120 tetas) or Lucía (120 pecho) but neither of them have counted on Laura who lays claim to 140 pecho. She appears to have learned many things in her 20 añitos: strict honesty, one suspects, may not be among them. One imagines that any complaints about the veracity of the advertisement would be met with reference to the legal maxim caveat emptor. The Spanish language derives from Latin and in this instance the law may well do likewise.

Presumably there must, however, be some control over the placing of such ads, or else there would be an enormous temptation to put up the mobile number of some neighbour or other personal enemy. I'd guess that one would need to show one's ID card. Even if I had one, that would probably deter me from the otherwise almost irresistible inclination to victimise the builder who wrecked our flat more than months ago and has still not paid us a single cent for all the damages. Or his lying, corrupt grandfather, who controlled the residents' bank account and therefore ensured that his family got paid while their victims waited months for botched repairs.

I'd love to see to it that Víctor became Victoria and had his phone ringing 24 horas with people asking after his buen culo. Or that Eugenio were renamed Eugenie and forced to fend off queries about todos los servicios y masajes. After all, if I were confronted with my responsibility, I would do what they did. Shrug my shoulders, say no te preocupes or ¡mala suerte! and tell them that is life, that mistakes happen.

They may even have happened in this week's column. For Silvia, far from offering, with Paula, masajes eróticos or (as does Tatiana) posturas sin limites, wishes with apparent sincerity to meet a man:

serio y solvente para una posible relación.

Serious and solvent? You'll be lucky. But at least she didn't ask for honesty. Because in at least two ways that I can think of, Silvia, you're in the wrong place for that.